I cant do it. I got a couple sentences into this one and I just had to stop. Delete. And start over. But I just cant. To be honest, I knew this one was going to give me trouble back when I was first looking at doing this Sunday afternoon. All day long I have been thinking over what I would say and how I would bring it across. Ive been brainstorming various illustrations and anecdotes that would illustrate, Making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. I had it all figured out how I was going to smooth talk (er write) my way past this one. But I just cant do it. You see, Im tired of making believe that everything is just fine. Im tired of pretending that Ive got it all together. And this one verse, this half a sentence, is to me like a spiritual punch in the gut. You see, were all sinners in desperate need of a Savior. Yes. But for me, laziness is more than just a sin. It has become a life controlling addiction. Laziness. Sloth. Apathy. Procrastination. Whatever flavor you want to call it this sin has me in its grip and it has done so, in ever increasing measure for years. A part of me knows what it is I need to do to get out from under its grip. A part of me is always making plans and dreams of change. Sometimes those plans even seem to make it a few hours. Rarely do they survive a day. Changing a lifestyle? Impossible. No. Not impossible. But not on my own. I am sick and tired of being embarrassed by all the things I have not done. I am sick and tired of looking back at all my aborted attempts to do something for God. I am sick and tired at being disgusted by who I have become. But that revulsion only lasts until I start playing that next computer game. It is so easily set aside by another pointless novel. These wastes of my time do not just numb my mind, they numb my spirit. And as much as I want to break free from them they so easily pull me back in. And hope fades. And passion dies. Please pray for me. These days are evil There are so many better things I can be doing with my time. I am not content to just pretend I am Spirit filled. I want to start living my life.
I'm there and I'm working through that very thing. Thank God that the Lord keeps using me anyway. I'm glad that I still keep using this talent to write, always work to learn more that I can use to help others, and that I have been able to (mostly) consistently work with the tasks he sets before me. But, yes, compared to other people, I don't look at all like I've got it together. Could it be because I wear my faults on the outside while other people cover theirs?
Let me be the first to tell you that you are right to want to change. Yet, if a spirit of condemnation is trying to get you down, let me remind you that not many people maintain an online ministry like this, working to study the Word and pass it on effectively and honestly. You're not just a guy who writes well or a guy who goofs up. You're both, and you have to balance those two in your mind. God uses you. Enough said.
