Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck How can he become politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to "Elves," "Vertically Challenged" they're calling themselves. And labor conditions up at the north pole Were said by the union to stifle the soul. Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clear That Santa had better not use just reindeer. So dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with 4 pigs, you know that looked stupid. The runners had all been removed from his sleigh, The rust was termed dangerous by the E.P.A. And people had started to call for the cops When they heard sled noises on all their roof tops. Second-hand smoke from his pipe had elves frightened His fur trimmed red suit was called, "Unenlightened." And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over the use of his nose. He had gone on Oprah, in front of the nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation. Half the reindeer were gone, and so was his wife Who said she has had enough of this life. Joining a self-help group, she left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Ms. And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion That making a choice could cause so much commotion Nothing of leather, nothing of fur Which means nothing for him. And nothing for her. Nothing that might be construed to pollute Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic No candy or sweet...they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. No fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were becoming tabboo, better off hidden. No raising the hackles of those psychological Some claimed the only good gift was one ecological No baseball, no football, someone could get hurt, Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe, And XBox would rot your entire brain away. So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed. He just could not figure out what he should do next. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, But you've got to be careful with that word today. His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable was to be found. Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without angering the left or the right. A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each group of people, and every religion. Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere... yes even you. So here is that gift, its price beyond worth May you see God's Kingdom come right here on earth.
